Yeah. Being single after dating the same person for over 5 years.. feels a lot like being plopped in the middle of the ocean. You have unlimited space, but you have no way of knowing what's coming, no form of shelter or sanctuary. And sometimes it can be awfully hard to tell sharks from dolphins, until it's too late. (I'd make a joke about paying attention during Shark Week, but.. yeah, don't feel much like joking lately).
For the first time in my life, I don't have a backup boyfriend on hold, just waiting. I guess that means I've grown up? I also didn't particularly plan on leaving Ave. I miss him, a lot. It hurts, and I'm crying often. Which is to be expected - this is.. day two of being single, so. I'll be a sad sack for a while.
I've really only actually 'notified' my closest friends. I don't particularly want to deal with the cheers and/or jeers. I'm not ready to really talk about it. I'm really only writing about it here because I don't think anyone I keep in regular contact with [who doesn't already know] pays any attention to my dA. I don't want opinions, advice, none of it. It's not up for discussion, period. Super glad facebook no longer broadcasts your relationship status; because if it did, I wouldn't have changed it. Just to avoid people in general saying their piece about it. He posted a vague status about it but nobody's commented, and I'm kind of glad. I can't help looking.. but I think it would upset me a lot if he struck up a convo about it somewhere public like that where I could see his friends bashing me. I can't bring myself to cut ties. I don't WANT to. While he's been much more for so long, he was my best friend first, and I think.. losing him completely would be much worse, somehow. We broke up a few months ago, for maybe a month.. and cut ties because I didn't think I could handle talking to him. But instead of being okay, I just.. totally went into emotional denial. And did not realize it until we started talking again, because he'd missed me.
I don't know what will happen. I don't know if we'll make up. I'm afraid we won't. But I do know hat there are things that would need to change. Neither of us was happy.
Right now I think I'm just really confused, to be honest. I love him. How can I not? I'll never stop loving him. I do want him back. I feel incomplete, hollow, and so desperately lonely. But I don't think he'll chase after me this time. And I couldn't ask for him back. Too much would need to change for it to be okay for me to be the one to ask.
Tomorrow is my second day at a new job, and I'm glad for the distraction. And I need the money; LeakyCon is the end of next month and I have virtually nothing saved for it. And after LeakyCon, I'm gonna be saving up to move back East.
Otherwise.. I'm pretty much keeping to myself, and trying to convince myself that emotionally shutting down again would be bad. Hard to stave it off though, when feeling only seems to mean crying all the time.
Eh. Whatever. Nobody's gonna read this anyway, so I'm just gonna stop typing and.. probably head to bed.
Shit, I'm so goddamn sad.
Aaaand crying again.
Listening to: Good Charlotte - I Don't Wanna Be In Love
Watching: Let's Play Minecraft 13
Playing: Sims 3
Drinking: Citrus Green Tea